Capt. Mondo's World o' Mondo-ness

The “Big V”
Today was the day I got “fixed”. The “Big V”. The vasectomy.

I can’t say I was exactly looking forward to the operation, but Erika and I had decided long ago that we didn’t want any more than two kids. And today was the scheduled day.

I arrived at East General Hospital just after 9am, and reported to the Urology unit. Soon after I checked in I was escorted to the small operating theatre where the operation would be done. I doffed my clothes, put on the hospital gown and lay down on the operating bed. The nurse came and prepped the area, and poured a warm brown antiseptic over everything, and attached a large grounding pad connected to the large electric cauterizing device wheeled to my side. I spent the next few minutes alone, trying not to look at the surgical instruments beside me, or the posters depicting a new type of needle for a urinary condition.

After a few minutes Dr. Singhal arrived, and things quickly got into motion. The worst part of the whole operation was exactly what I expected: the needle containing the anesthetic. It’s inserted somewhere between the scrotum and penis, with one injection per side. I could feel a shooting pain go down each side as the needle was moved into position and the injection of marcane. The worst part is feeling the needle like it is “swinging around” in order to get the right point, and the pain before the freezing hits. Anybody who’s had a root canal or a wisdom tooth removed will know what I am talking about.

I was grimacing at this point. Thankfully, marcane is a fast-acting anesthetic, much faster than what you’d get at a dentist, so it didn’t take long before all of the pain was gone. From then on all I felt was some uneasy tugging, and the impression that there was a lot of gear “down there”. The worst part of the “tugging” was the feeling like I was a puppet having some internal “string” being pulled. Ugh.

I tried to keep my mind off of things by chatting to the doctor, talking about some articles I was working on for The Computer Paper.

Every now and then I could hear a beep as the cauterizer was used. If it weren’t for the beep, I’d never know it was being used. I was grateful for small mercies at this point.

The doctor complained that things were more “convoluted” than usual, and he ended up taking a bit longer with me than was typical. He asked whether I had ever had any injuries down there in the past, but I guess I’m just a naturally, deeply complicated guy. ;-) He ended up taking a sample of what he hoped was the vas deferens to send to pathology.

I was so thankful when it was all over. Perhaps the best thing about this operation is that I need never go through it ever again. ;-) I lay down and rested, feeling more than a little bit groggy. I was offered an apple juice by the nurse, which I gratefully accepted. Through the narrow corridor I could see the face of the fellow who was to be vasectomy patient #3, who looked as nervous as I had felt at the beginning of my operation.

I was escorted to a gurney outside the operating room, where I lay back and regained my strength. I was given a prescription for some Tylenol 3, which I knew I would need. I was told I should take the next couple of days off of work. No sex for a week. No heavy lifting for a week. I could shower tomorrow. The single stitch in there should fall out of its own accord in a few days. I need to set up an appointment to confirm that I am no longer fertile in 10 weeks time, though I should consider myself potentially fertile until that time.

About 45 minutes after it had all started, I was in a cab heading back home.

I got home. I greeted everybody, went upstairs, took some Tylenol 3 we already had, and get into bed. I stayed there for much of the day, as feeling gradually returned. I tried to sleep without much success, and so I ended up reading a good chunk of The Lost Tomb by Kent Weeks until the Tylenol hit and I finally fell asleep.

The subsequent pain hasn’t been too bad – it’s more a general discomfort really. Worst part is getting up, bending down, or lying down – any change of position causes a twinge of pain. The Tylenol is great, though it makes me groggy.