Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Today Erika and I went to Toby's funeral service. I am glad I went. At the start of the service Erika played a Bach toccata on her trumpet, which was followed by several family members and friends who talked about Toby.
The following is a transcript of the eulogy that Toby's brother, Piers Steel, gave at the funeral service. It nicely evokes Toby's character, and how and why will we miss him.
On a Friday April 21st, 1960 Toby Edwin Owen Steel was born in Women's College Hospital. On Friday August 13th, 2004, just up the block in Toronto General Hospital, Toby passed away. These dates are bookends to a very full life which we are all here today to recognize, mourn, celebrate, and respect.
Toby grew up with the rest of the Steel family right here in Toronto, just north of St. Clair. He was blonde, athletic, and had a bit of a rebellious streak in him, or as my mother would say, "He was a naughty little boy."
He went to a series of private schools, where he always excelled at math and science. But for those of us who know him for being incredibly literate, you would be surprised to know that during these years, he nearly failed English several times.
He was 14 years old when he became sick with Crohns. He went to the hospital, was treated as best they could, and from that day on, for every day we aged, he aged two.
After high school, he went Queen's in Kingston. And true to form, always putting things off, he got his masters in mathematics roughly 18 years later. In the acknowledgements, at the front of his thesis, he dedicated it to out mother, who came to Kingston to care for him during his bouts of illness. It was also in Kingston where he came down with a second extremely rare disease, Sarcodosis.
There were only two other people in this world who had his combination of illnesses, one in Japan and another in Europe. This also reflects his rarity as an individual. He was one in a billion. We simply will never meet someone like him again. He was very, very strong in mind and spirit, never let physical nuisances, these earthly insults, hinder his dreams. For example, while he was in hospital waiting for the hole in his lung to heal, he dismissed the idea that it would stop him from a September trip to Tofino. He said, "We'll just pack a pump, 6 hours to get to a hospital, no problem". He had a list of things he wanted to accomplish and he did them all.
There are so many people from Kingston here today and so many stories they could tell from his days there. Toby doing highland dancing, playing the oboe in a brass band. Learning cabinet making, which is not carpentry, a profession that Toby considered simply banging wood together. Starting a company, "Wood by Steel". Building a house from the ground up. Making a serious run at becoming a real-estate magnate.
During the evenings, he hosted a folk music radio show called Harvest that had a cult following. He was a folk singer, where he performed at many of Kingston's haunts such as the Wellington or the Duke of Kingston. He acted, wrote, or directed dozens of plays. He formed a band "Misc S", who wrote some of the funniest music you have ever heard. Who of us can forget the holiday classic, "Xmas time for Godzilla".
Eventually, in 1997, he moved to Toronto, where many of his friends such as Mike and Hugh had already gone and where he could find employment as a programmer that would pay him more than $10.00 per hour.
Mountain Lake was his first big job, and a lot of people from that moment remained good friends, such as Amanda, Luna, and Drew. It was a good place and he was really happy there.
These last seven years have been Toby's best. He generally worked six months on and then took six months off. With his spare time, he surrounded himself with interesting, loving friends and was enriched by them. He got to be around his family who loves him dearly. Many times he flew to be with my sister Marion and myself, as we do not live in Toronto, for extended and memorable visits. He was a loving and dedicated Uncle, who saw his nieces several times a month. He was the best and gentlest of teachers.
He was not materialistic. He did not care about things. He cared about people. And if you were among is friends, you were a lucky individual. In a world that can reduce you to a single characteristic, he enhanced you, broadened you. He was generous with his time and skills. He put in kitchen, fences, porches, basements, humidifiers, libraries, shelves, planters, programmed websites, networked houses. We were better, smarter, funnier, more sophisticated people in his presence. He brought a part of us forth that made us more. My sister Anita, for example would never have made it to University much less become a lawyer without Toby.
His curiosity was insatiable. He read widely in both German and English. He had a facility for languages and was well in the way to learning Spanish. His intellectual appetite was voracious. He used to go the Massey Lectures, taking copious and detailed notes. His home library spans science, literature, philosophy and the arts, a testament to a strong desire to understand the world and make it better. He attended film festivals, watched documentaries, opera, ballet, almost always taking along a friend, and afterwards, if you were up for it, he would love to engage you in passionate debates.
He also liked nothing better than to create, especially to create laughter. He had an unbelievable sense of fun. Watching the Daily Show or Takieashi's Castle with him was an event, he could do voices and impressions, he had season's tickets to the Argo's games, and organized numerous social events, such as sushi Fridays. His wit was boundless and inclusive.
We knew the time was running short, but we all believed he had more. He had fought for so long and always won so we never really believed he could lose. If we had known that this was his final summer, we would have been packed four deep around him. His absence will be always be present. His silence will be loud. For our family alone, the gift of music will diminish. He was our musician.
In recognition of his great love of the outdoors, for his superb kayaking and hiking, we will be releasing his ashes in the forests of Tofino, Vancouver Island. He will be making that hiking trip he planned after all.
During his final conscious moments, with his mother, his friend Amanda and his sister Anita by his side, with every breath being short and of infinite value, he used two of them to speak. Among his last words were, "So blessed".
Poet, painter, cabinet maker,
Fencer, fixer, foozeball player
Playwright and actor
Programmer and tennis player
Hiker, Skier, and Kayaker
Cryptoquiz and math whiz
Highland and flamenco dancer
Builder, singer, and songwriter.
Musician, composer, and debater.
Uncle, Brother, Son, Friend.
Who knew our hearts could hold so much grief.
There's really nothing I can say that can come close to this, but I do feel like adding one thing that another his other friends had to say at the funeral: though we all knew that Toby was not likely to be around us forever, we would all feel cheated when he went. That's exactly how I feel, cheated.
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